lord of the fries

Melbourne Central, Knox Lane, Melbourne 3000
www.lordofthefries.com.au

The delectable nuggets with satay sauce (Photo shamelessly borrowed from Vegan About Town)

If there’s one thing I hate about being a vegetarian, it’s the lack of fast food. Everyone seems to think that just because you don’t want to be responsible for the deaths of animals, you therefore are some sort of health freak without a soul or taste buds. Well, I love being unhealthy. It’s one of my favourite past times, right after completing The Age crossword before anyone else at college has a chance to. So the existence of Lord of the Fries is pretty much a godsend for me and one of the reasons I hate going back home to Perth.

When I first moved to Melbourne and came across Lord of the Fries, I was disappointed. The hilarious pun made me chuckle and want to try it but on first glance, it seemed like there were no vego options on the menu. How wrong I was. Lord of the Fries has in fact received awards for being a great vegetarian and vegan restaurant and all of the burgers, hot dogs and supposed chicken nuggets are made from soy protein, meaning that it’s completely meat-free, low in fat and high in protein. I was not the only one to make such a mistake: a staunch meat-eater friend of mine ate at Lords three times, teasing us about how good it was to us vegos, without realising that it was fake meat. So rather than sampling the chocolate mousse, his dessert was humble pie.

While I love Lords, she can be a harsh mistress. I’ve noticed that if I eat too much there, I don’t just feel full but sick as well. Other friends who dine here agree that there is a sweet spot when it comes to gorging on these vego delights, so take care to not over-order. This is quite easy, given that burgers and hot dogs come in two sizes: mini and big. The mini burger is perfect for a snack, while the big burger is better for a proper meal, though I tend to order a mini burger regardless and just fill up on the delicious chips. One of the main strengths of Lords is its wide range of choice and this is evident when you take a look at their sauce menu. Serving everything from tomato sauce and BBQ sauce to satay sauce and chilli salsa, there’s a sauce to appeal to everyone’s taste. But the question remains: what does the food actually taste like?

The Original Burger, with a patty, cheese, pickles, onion, lettuce, mayo, mustard and ketchup, is a classic that is pretty damn tasty. However this is not an easy burger to eat, as the patties can be quite sloppy and combined with all the sauce and the soft bun, it’s a recipe for disaster (or at least messy hands). Furthermore, despite claiming to be low fat and healthy, the burger doesn’t taste like it. It’s quite greasy and the limp lettuce and pickles hardly make you feel like a herbivore. The chips taste different to your standard fare and, with the ketchup or satay sauce, are heaven (just don’t expect too much crunch as they can be a bit soggy). The hot dogs are surprisingly convincing, which I find almost disconcerting, and the nuggets are possibly my favourite menu item, all crispy and perfect.

Lord of the Fries is pretty cheap, with a burger, chips and drink ranging around the $10 mark. The atmosphere is quite cramped and hurried as they are often hole-in-the-wall stalls with scant seating, however the new Brunswick and Swanston St. stores feel a little more comfortable with proper retro diner seating and a bit more space. Overall it’s a good place for a guilty bite while in the city but this is takeaway so don’t expect fine dining.

• Taste: 7/10
• Nutrition: 6/10
• Atmosphere: 5/10
• Cost: 9/10
• Convenience: 9/10
• Overall: 36/50

Conclusion: Tasty. Worth trying.

camy shanghai dumpling

25 Tattersalls Lane, Melbourne 3000
(03) 9663 8555

Dumplings (photo courtesy of Laneway Magazine)

I have something to admit: I couldn’t even remember the name of this hidden-away Chinese eatery and I’ve never been able to. Simply referred to as “Shanghai Dumplings” or “Shanghai Village” by my compadres, I had to trawl through many generic restaurants with pretty much the same name to find the contact details. There’s a reason for that – this restaurant is pretty forgettable. Tucked away in one of the many anonymous laneways in the CBD, I always have to wander around China Town for a while to find it again – the only give-away being the bar right next to it, made out of a shipping container, and the perpetual queue outside Camy Shanghai Dumpling.

So if it’s so forgettable, then why do I, and so many others, always seek out this humble Chinese restaurant? That’s a good question, and one I cannot fully answer. For all intents and purposes, this is a pretty low-quality establishment. The staff are quite disinterested, and communicating with them can be a challenge. Asking if something is vegetarian is usually impossible, so bringing along a couple of meat-eaters to test every dish out is a must. The interior is pretty tacky, with old, worn booths and windows that have been scribbled on with inanities by other patrons. The speakers are often playing some cheesy ballad from the 1980s, usually something by Michael Bolton, and it’s a pretty bizarre experience because of this. Hot tea is self-serve in coloured plastic mugs, and the food is far from healthy, heavily doused in oil and presumably MSG.

But, Camy has it’s upsides. For one thing, it’s pretty damn cheap. A measly $15 gets you all you can eat, their one stipulation being that you must eat all that you order and waste nothing. This rarely happens. For all you can eat, you get a range of dishes, including mushroom dumplings, vegetable dumplings, anonymous meat dumplings (both fried and steamed), fried rice, noodles, spring onion cake, Chinese broccoli drenched in vinegar and soy sauce, and my all-time favourite, sweet pumpkin dumplings. I recommend that you bring along a ratio of at least 3 to 1 meat eaters to vegos to ensure all the food gets eaten, but that’s not to say a vegetarian will go hungry here.

The vegetarian dumplings are pretty run of the mill, and it’s best to dip them in a mix of vinegar and soy sauce, or they can be quite plain. Fried rice and noodles are alright but nothing amazing (is it even possible to make amazing fried rice?). The broccoli is the only semblance of healthy eating, and even that is ridiculously salty given the soy sauce it swims in. Regardless, it’s one of my weaknesses and I end up eating all of it. The reason I come here, however, are the above mentioned sweet pumpkin dumplings. They are everything that is good about dumplings, sweet but soft in their doughy pockets of deliciousness, which is the perfect counterbalance to the endless saltiness of the other dishes. I love these dumplings so much, I’m literally considering just going to the restaurant, buying up their stock of frozen pumpkin dumplings and never returning.

However, despite all the short-comings of Camy Shanghai Dumpling, I keep coming back. Not just for the pumpkin dumplings but the experience of eating suss food with a big group of friends for cheap. If you can look past the service, the unhealthiness, the venue and a lot of the food, it’s okay.

• Taste: 5/10 (but 10/10 for the pumpkin dumplings!)
• Nutrition: 4/10
• Atmosphere: 2/10
• Cost: 8/10
• Convenience: 8/10
• Overall: 27/50

Conclusion: Average. Alright but nothing to write home about.

japas

Melbourne Central Shopping Centre (Level Three), 211 Latrobe Street, Melbourne 3000
(03) 9663 1940
www.japas.com.au

Photo taken from The Wifey Chronicles

My friends currently have an obsession. Whenever I simply mention the name, their eyes light up. This obsession is Japas, the Japanese tapas and sushi train restaurant in Melbourne Central. Maybe I’ve been looking in the wrong places but when it comes to Japanese food in Melbourne, I’ve found that besides the odd sushi joint, it’s pretty sparse. So when we discovered the joy that is Japas, we were crazy happy.

While the sushi bar attracts many people, I’d recommend that unless you’re in a rush, it’s worth grabbing a table to take full advantage of Japas – particularly if you’re vegetarian. Many Japanese restaurants are a vegetarian’s worst nightmare, with nothing but eel this and raw fish that but not this place. Here, you can have the option of making your own sushi, choosing everything from whether your sushi is inside-out or not, what kind of sesame seeds are used, and most importantly, the fillings. My old favourite is the inside-out tofu inari, avocado and carrot sushi with Japanese mayo and black sesame seeds but I’ve heard good things from a friend about the egg filling. I should clarify that by “make your own sushi” I mean that you choose everything that goes in – you are not expected to suddenly turn into a master sushi chef. For $14.50, you get a generous serving with about twelve pieces. My biggest problem here is over-ordering. I always arrive starving and order my DIY sushi with two entrees, only to leave as an amorphous blob filled with rice and tofu.

But the entrees are nothing to sniff at. Each one is $6.80 each and my recommendations are the agedashi tofu (tofu deep-fried in a soy sauce and spring onion broth), the sumo balls (balls of sticky rice flash-fried and served with honey-soy sauce) and the shichimi fries (thick chips seasoned with chilli and served with wasabi mayo). While the last two are not strictly Japanese, the western influence makes for a more unique and interesting meal, and one that certainly satisfies. Indeed, nothing about Japas is particularly authentic. The menus are filled with cutesy drawings of anthropomorphised edamame beans and sushi and despite the television that always shows some odd Japanese documentary about farming or octopus, you always get the feeling that this is a Japanese restaurant for Australians. Not to mention that the chocolate mousse that features on their menu is the least Japanese dessert in the world.

But, if you can look past the lack of authenticity, it’s good eating.

• Taste: 8/10
• Nutrition: 8/10
• Atmosphere: 8/10
• Cost: 7/10
• Convenience: 8/10
• Overall: 39/50

Conclusion: Tasty. Worth trying.